


Light Will Guide You Home

by RoseGabriel



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Drama, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Force Sex (Star Wars), Heavy Angst, Sex, Shameless Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-17
Updated: 2018-05-14
Packaged: 2019-03-05 21:23:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13396515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoseGabriel/pseuds/RoseGabriel
Summary: Rey is helping the Resistance rebuild, but she's afraid someone will find out about her inexplicable bond with Kylo Ren. She's afraid herself of what it might mean, and what she's supposed to do with it. And she's becoming increasingly troubled by a dream that plagues her every night. When she meets with Kylo and confronts him about the dream, he admits to having it, too...





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Rylo smut with angsty plot. Enjoy!

Rey bolted up in bed, her chest heaving, sweat on her forehead and upper lip. She swallowed hard and sucked in a few breaths, planting her hands on either side of the wooden cot to ground herself. She was in her shack. It was late at night. Dark. She was alone.

After the Resistance had hobbled on to another hideout, Rey had remained with them to help rebuild the force they'd lost. Resistance supporters had sent money and supplies, and, in some cases, manpower. They had settled on another uninhabited planet, this one mostly desert which Rey both detested and found oddly comforting. It was familiar to her, at least, and something she could rely on amidst so many new experiences. Resistance forces were set up in a bunker, but Rey had made a home for herself a few miles away, erecting a small structure just large enough for her cot and a small trunk of her things. Resistance work was draining. It wasn't just the physical labor—constantly being around other people exhausted her, so she cherished her shack and the solitude it provided. It was there that she stored the Jedi texts—buried in a trunk in the dirt floor—and it was there that she continued to study and train.

But more than that, Rey had recognized early on that her ability to steal away to be alone was essential for another reason—her connection with Kylo Ren had not stopped. She couldn't control where or when they would appear to one another, but it did seem to work out that it happened normally at night when she was alone. She was grateful for that. She hadn't told anyone about what existed between them, or of all the details of Snoke's death. She wasn't sure how to account for their connection, and she didn't want anyone to doubt her loyalty.

Sometimes they spoke to one another. Sometimes Rey pretended to ignore him. Aside from appearing to each other, Rey had started having extremely troubling dreams in which Kylo Ren starred. They bothered her more than anything else.

She closed her eyes and breathed in slowly, held it for three beats, then exhaled. She attempted to steady her mind, but her heart was still pounding from the dream. In her chest, she was aching for Ben to be near her. She hadn't given up hope that she could reclaim him for the light. She needed desperately to believe that he could be saved.

"Rey." His low voice startled her but she didn't show it. She felt him in the room with her. It was like the air grew thicker, like his presence made the space tighter.

"You're back," she said matter-of-factly, not opening her eyes. She couldn't look at him. She hoped he didn't notice her flushed face and heaving chest.

"How are you?" he asked.

Rey opened her eyes, startled and confused by his tone. She searched his face. His eyes were dark as always, but one eyebrow twitched upwards. His lips were parted. He sat up on the edge of his own bed, shirtless, skin slick and dewy. Rey opened her mouth to answer but couldn't.

Ben tipped his head to one side quizzically. He smiled.

Rey couldn't stop herself from smiling back. She reached out for his hand, and he took it. His skin was warm and smooth. She closed her eyes again, unable to continue looking at him.

"Come be with me," she said. "We need you. You need us."

"This argument is getting a little tired, don't you think?"

"No. As long as we keep meeting like this I'll keep trying to convince you to come back."

"Back?"

"To the light. Be good. You are good—just let yourself be what you are."

His fingers had tightened around hers, perhaps with frustration.

"I'm exactly where I need to be. Rey," she felt him shift closer to her and opened her eyes. His eyes searched hers, so sincere. "Think of the good we could do if we controlled everything," he urged. "There's too much complication with the old way of doing things. If we were to do away with all that—with Sith and Jedi, with Empire and Resistance—things could be exactly what we want them to be."

"I don't want to control anything," Rey argued, pulling her hand back. "What you're proposing is still murder. Annihilation. You must see how wrong that is."

"It is necessary."

"No."

Rey stood and crossed to the other side of the room, as far from him as she could be in the small space.

"I think," she stammered, turning from him. "I think we're supposed to be together. Joined."

"We are joined."

"No, not just like this. Together. In person."

She felt the air shift behind her and knew that Ben had also risen to his feet.

"You could come to me," he said.

"Like I did before? No. You know I can't."

"Rey." His voice was low, full and deep as always. It cushioned her name in velvet.

Taking a deep breath, she spun to face him.

"I dream about you every night," she said suddenly. "We're together. I kiss your scar. Your breath hitches in your chest. You reach for me."

"Yes," Ben interrupted, striding over, his eyes intense. "I kiss you. I can feel your lips tremble. You want me."

"You want me," Rey insisted. Ben stepped up over her and looked down, his head tilted to one side, brow furrowed, eyes gentle.

"Yes."

Rey's lips parted but she shook her head. She was afraid. The dream had haunted her. She didn't want to do anything she shouldn't, but she didn't know where the line was anymore. It all felt like something she should do.

"It would be better in person," Ben said. Without looking away, he reached for her hands. Rey could feel the heat radiating off his bare chest. She could feel the soft pads of his fingers against her palms. She could even smell him.

"I can't," she whispered.

"Fine," he murmured, and bent his head to kiss her, softly. He pulled back and looked at her.

"You want me," he repeated from before.

"Yes," she admitted. Her lip trembled. She bit down to stop it.

Ben reached up and smoothed his thumb over her bottom lip, then he bent again and took it between his, sucking lightly. He dropped his head into the crook of her neck and pressed his lips to the skin under her ear.

"We're meant to be together. Joined."

She closed her eyes. Ben wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her flush against him, and lifted her up. Rey wrapped her legs around his waist and her arms around his shoulders. She tangled her fingers in his hair and kissed him. She could feel him walking, taking them backwards, but when she expected them to hit the near wall of her shack, they didn't. He kept walking. Rey opened her eyes in time for him to sit down on his bed. His bed. She looked around at the exposed metal plating of his quarters. The room was colder than her close shack had been. It was dark but she could see his face in the blue glow of some lights blinking on a panel set into the wall.

"What—" she began.

"I don't know any more than you do," he interrupted, and leaned up to kiss her again. Rey unwrapped her legs from behind him and folded them down so that she was kneeling over his lap. Ben's hands strained up her sides. He caught the hem of her shirt and tugged it up. She didn't stop him. They parted long enough for him to slip it off over her head and then their bare torsos connected again. Ben hissed like he'd been burned but when Rey tried to pull back he caught her by the base of her neck and pulled her back in.

She pushed against him and he leaned back and rolled to the side so that his head was on his pillow and he was lying flat against the thin mattress. Rey pressed herself to him, running her hands over his wide shoulders. Ben reached up to unclasp her bra and she froze. She tested the air, the way it felt to be with him. He'd stopped too, sensing her trepidation. He leaned up and kissed her softly again, once. He pulled his hands back to her hips. Then, Rey felt the straps sliding over his shoulders at the same time his hands were on her waist. She started to jump back but something stopped her. When she looked up at Ben, terrified, without understanding, his warm smile was back, his mouth spreading crookedly over his teeth.

"I'm not sure the force appreciates being used this way," Rey whispered, but she smiled back at him.

"Expand your mind," Ben answered, her bra fully removed now and dropping to the floor. She felt her exposed body raise up off of his, saw the concentration in his eyes as he scooted aside and lowered her onto the mattress with his mind. Then he propped himself up on his elbow to lean over her. Rey shivered as his fingers traced invisible lines on her exposed skin. When his fingers reached the edge of her pants and one brushed under the fabric, she used her mind to stay his hand. He grinned up at her.

"Now you're catching on," he smirked. Rey kept his hand still and hooked her own thumbs under her pants to shimmy them off over her hips, maintaining eye contact as she did so. Seeing the intense desire burning in his eyes made her stomach flip. She bit her lip and smiled, then released him from her mental grasp.

Ben placed a knee between her legs and jerked it upwards, causing her to gasp and her eyelids to flutter.

"I've never done this before," she spit suddenly.

"Neither have I," he admitted.

"What? You look surprised."

"I am."

"Constant rage doesn't leave much time for sex," he teased. "But don't worry. I think we'll know what to do."

"From the dream," Rey confirmed. He nodded.

"Kiss me," he whispered, teasing her lips with his tongue. She obeyed. She felt him shift out of his pants and press back against her. She felt him lean into her. She swallowed and closed her eyes. She reached up to kiss his scar.


	2. Chapter 2

Rey woke with a start to the sound of someone pounding on her door. She shot up in bed and lunged to cover herself but she was already dressed. She reached to toss the blanket over Ben but he wasn't next to her. She was back in her shack, alone, and morning light shone in from the small window. The door was vibrating with the force of the knocks being hammered against it and she recognized Finn's voice calling her name, his tone worried, as usual.

Rey felt a crushing ache in her chest that the night was over and that Ben was gone. But had he ever really been there? Had she been dreaming again?

"I'm coming!" she called, and crossed the small space to unlock and open the door. Finn was scowling in with a furrowed brow, one hand raised above his head to continue knocking.

"Rey! Where have you been?" He pushed past her into the room, looking from corner to corner as if he expected someone else to be there. Because someone had, in a sense, been there, Rey felt guilty.

"I'm sorry. I was up late last night…training. I must have over-slept."

"I'll say. You missed breakfast and work assignments. I promised General Organa I'd fill you in."

Rey cherished Finn and his loyalty and friendship, but his eagerness, his insistence on being near her as often as possible, was a little tiring. He was much of the reason she was so grateful for her own space.

"That was very kind of you," she said. "Thank you."

Finn had turned back toward her having circled the hut several times, surveying the corners.

"Training last night, you said?"

"Yes, that's right. Why?"

Finn shrugged. "No reason. You just see jumpy is all. You're normally so calm after training."

"Me?" Rey stammered, looking away. "Jumpy? Have you seen yourself this morning?"

"I was worried!"

"I only missed breakfast."

> _Ben ducked his head down between her legs and, after glancing up at her, kissed hesitantly at the top of her slit, then flicked his tongue in, brushing her clit with the tip. Rey gasped and clenched her eyes shut. He reached one hand up to squeeze one of her breasts and bent his head again, using the other hand to spread her to give himself a better angle. Rey pressed the back of her fist_ to _her mouth to keep quiet and tried to keep her hips from roiling against his mouth._
> 
> _"No one would hear you," Ben whispered, his lips suddenly at her ear. "Make all the noise you want."_

Rey pulled on her boots and followed Finn out the door, leaning down to lock it behind them with a key that hung around her neck. She fell in step beside him, using her staff to pull herself up the dunes with ease while he trudged through the sand next to her.

"So, what did I miss?" she asked.

"Techs are still working on getting the equipment up and running. Mechanics are making modifications to that new fleet of ships that came in—they're old and outdated but the head mech seems to think they'll be alright once the team is done with them."

"Just business as usual, then."

"More or less."

> _Rey reached hesitantly for Ben's cock, unsure of what to do with it. She encircled her fingers around the shaft and tugged her hand gently from the hilt to the head. Ben put his hand around hers and squeezed lightly to tighten her grip, then jerked their hands more quickly before letting his hand fall away, leaving Rey to continue. Stretched out beside one another, their bodies forced together on the narrow cot meant for one person, Ben pressed his thumb to her slit and rubbed vigorous circles while Rey pumped his cock. He pressed his cheek against hers, panting heavily in her ear._

The only thing Rey regretted about getting a late start was that she'd missed the coolest part of the day. In the morning, everything seemed quieter. Now the sun beat down on the top of her head—the reason she never parted her hair—and glowed hot on her shoulders.

"There were berries in the oatmeal this morning," Finn said.

"Ah, that is a new development!" Rey grinned sidelong at Finn, whose eyes remained on her for a little too long once she'd resumed looking ahead. They rounded the one remaining cactus in the area, which signaled that they were near the base.

"So do we have a new work assignment?" she asked.

"Nah, just digging the irrigation system still. I doubt we'll get that done until later this week."

"So why did you come to get me?"

"What?"

Finn and Rey walked into and through the main hangar, which was loud with the sound of voices, soldering, metal on metal.

"You made it sound like we had new orders. I could have assumed we were still on the irrigation trenches and walked myself to the work site."

"Oh. Well, sure. I didn't know that you were just asleep, though. I wanted to make sure you were alright."

"Finn," Rey said gently, smiling, stopping him with a hand on his arm. "What's going to happen to me out here? There's practically no animal life and this planet is uninhabited."

"That we know of! There could be people we just haven't found yet!"

"What, underground?"

"Sure!"

Rey laughed and they continued walking to the back of the compound and out into the desert behind it.

> _Ben swung his legs over the edge of the cot and sat with his feet planted on the ground. Rey stood in front of him, shifting from one foot to the other, crossing her arms over her breasts, nipples puckering in the cold, sterile air. Ben's dark eyes drifted over her slowly, caressing every edge and curve of her body, then scanned back up to meet her eyes. He reached a hand out and she took it, allowing him to draw her in closer. He planted his mouth over one of her nipples and puffed his cheeks full of hot air, swirling around the pert bud with his tongue while his breath warmed her. He looked up at her as he bent to do the same to the other side, eyes smiling. Rey laughed a little and shook her head but she didn't know why. She rubbed her hands against the tight skin of his shoulders, thumbing the scars she came across. Ben pressed his forehead to her chest, between her breasts, and they breathed in unison for a few long beats. Then Rey used a hand to raise his chin so that she could see into his eyes. He searched her face. She pushed on his shoulders and he settled back, flat palms keeping him propped up on the bed. Rey gripped his shoulders and used them to pull herself onto his lap. She lifted up and fitted her hand around his cock again, though this time she guided it up into her body and lowered herself onto it slowly, watching Ben's face as she did so._

"There you are," Tayko said with a bright smile, straightening in the trench with one arm propped on her shovel. "We thought you'd bailed on us."

"It's certainly crossed my mind," Rey retorted. "I'd much rather be shucking corn in the kitchen than toiling out here with you lot."

"We'd rather you be shucking corn, too, if you're just going to leave us out here working alone," Gamlin teased, but he grinned at her before bending again to dig. Finn tapped her arm with the back of his hand and gave her a shovel, then took her hand and helped lower hers into the trench behind Tayko, Gamlin, and Kiff.

> _Ben put a hand on the small of her back to steady her, the other still poised against the mattress. Rey gently rolled against him, studying his face._
> 
> _"What's wrong?" Ben asked._
> 
> _"Nothing, nothing. I'm fine. Are you fine?" Rey breathed._
> 
> _"Stop," he commanded, and froze her body, hovering just over him. "Are you alright? Does it hurt?"_
> 
> _Rey tried to shake her head but that part of her was frozen too so she had to answer aloud._
> 
> _"No, it doesn't hurt. It's strange. But it doesn't hurt."_
> 
> _"Do you want to stop?" he asked. His hand still at the base of her back, he rubbed his thumb comfortingly against her skin. His eyes were so genuine._
> 
> _"I don't want to stop," Rey whispered. Her body belonged to her again. She exhaled and lowered back onto him._
> 
> _"What does it feel like to you?" she asked._
> 
> _"Good," Ben answered. She smiled a little._
> 
> _Ben lay back on the cot with his legs still dangling over the edge as Rey continued to glide against him, growing bolder, pressing into him harder. She planted a hand in the middle of his chest to keep her balance. His cock began to slip more easily in and out of her, oiled by her body, and Rey closed her eyes and tilted her head back to the ceiling._

It was hard to dig much in the fine sand because as soon as a hole was created, all the shifted sand would run back into it. What they had to do instead was wet the sand to dig as deep as was necessary, and then lay boards down and up the sides so the trench would keep its shape. As soon as they had the whole thing dug, and as soon as the necessary supplies came in, they could line the entire thing with metal tubing.

> _"Ben," Rey moaned. He was on top of her now, her head on his pillow, legs propped on his shoulders, pleasure exploding behind her eyes as he thrust in and out of her. At the sound of that name—his name—his eyes shot open and he almost glared at her, but his expression was strange. He pulled out of her and flipped her over roughly, then wrapped an arm under her stomach and yanked her up onto all fours. With one hand on her ass and the other to guide himself, he reentered her from behind, the force of him wooshing the breath from her body as he lunged into her, gripping her hips. Rey bit her lip and tried to keep quiet, but her body was tiring. She reached back to put her hand over his._

Normally those who worked outside would do so until 1 or 2 in the afternoon, then they would go inside for lunch and continue their days helping in the hangar or somewhere else inside. It was easy to overheat and get dehydrated; General Organa was very careful about allowing people to work outside for too long or when the sun was highest in the sky.

> _Ben finished inside her. He didn't know himself well enough to stop in time, only pulling out once it was too late. He collapsed to Rey's side and lay on his back, chest heaving, as Rey lowered flat onto her stomach, her face turned toward him. She was too afraid to say anything, frightened by the change that had come over him when she'd said his name. She put her hands over her stomach and pressed down, feeling as if she might burst if she didn't. What had she done?_
> 
> _Ben rolled onto his side to face her and cupped her cheek with a hand behind her ear, lifting her face so that he could kiss her, gentle again. He must have seen the uncertainty in her eyes when he pulled back._
> 
> _"I'm sorry if I frightened you," he said._
> 
> _"You didn't," Rey lied._
> 
> _"Still think I'm redeemable?" He asked. "Still think I'm someone worth saving?"_
> 
> _"Yes," Rey said with certainty. "Yes."_
> 
> _He smiled and shook his head, kissed her again._
> 
> _"That was better than I could have imagined."_
> 
> _"It was good for me, too. Until the end."_
> 
> _"I did scare you."_
> 
> _Rey didn't answer. Ben was quiet._
> 
> _"Let me make it up to you," he said. "Next time."_
> 
> _"Next time?"_
> 
> _"Next time we see each other."_
> 
> _"Oh," Rey smiled and he grinned back. He sat up and reached for the blanket that had been kicked to the foot of the bed, the one specially designed to be thin while still trapping the maximum amount of body heat for cold nights in space. He pulled it up over both of them, tucking it under Rey's chin as she rolled to her side, too, to face him. She studied him as he closed his eyes, his face calm and still, his breath slowing. Without opening his eyes, he tossed an arm over her waist and pulled her in closer._
> 
> _"Join me," he mumbled._
> 
> _"Never," Rey smiled. His mouth spread into a smile._
> 
> _"Maybe next time."_


	3. Chapter 3

As soon as she could after their late dinner, Rey slipped out of the compound and stole across the desert, darkness almost enveloping her but not quite. She used her staff to pick across the sand, moving as quickly as the dwindling light would allow. All day her mind had wandered back to Ben, his hot breath on her cheek, his hands gripping her hips. Truthfully, she didn’t know if the night before had been another dream or if it had been real. It was so difficult to sort through the many levels of reality—together or apart were easy, but dreaming or truly connected were not so easy to differentiate between. 

She rushed into her shack and pulled the door closed behind her, locking it. She stood in the dark a moment, breathing heavily, looking around but for what she didn’t know. She rested the staff against the wall and kicked her boots off beside it, then peeled her socks away from her feet and dug her toes into the cool dirt floor. That was real. She could be sure of that. 

Rey walked toward her cot. With every step she took her senses were barraged with memories of the night before—Ben’s thick hair brushing her neck and forehead, his lips slick on her skin, his tongue darting between her thighs. She gasped and closed her eyes, letting the remembered sensation bring goosebumps to her arms. She was ravenous for him to be inside her again. All day long she’d thought of nothing else.

She lied back on the bed, letting her legs fall loosely to either side. Reaching down hesitantly, Rey brushed her fingertips across the crotch of her pants. She wasn’t sure what she was expecting, but she hoped that her body’s response to being touched similarly would prove to her whether her muscles had experienced what her mind remembered from the night before. A chill ran over her and she felt a tingle, but that was all. What would prove to her that it had been real? Even if she was able to arouse something in herself, that wouldn’t necessarily mean it had physically happened before, only that her mind and her body recalled sensations that had seemed so real.   
She climbed down and dragged her trunk over, heaving it up to rest at the foot of the bed. Then she stripped her pants off and clambered back up onto the mattress, lying back again, this time lifting her legs up to hook her heels against the base of the chest. She lifted her hips and shifted from side to side, allowing her muscles to stretch and expand and relax, and then lowered her pelvis back onto the mattress. Even just lying there naked with the air hitting her felt strange. The blanket was coarse under her backside. She squirmed around to flatten it. Tentatively again, she reached back down between her legs and lightly fingered her own slit, her middle finger gently bobbing between her folds and out again. Rey lay her head back and closed her eyes, focusing solely on the sensations between her legs. 

“Need some help with that?” 

She imagined Ben’s voice husky in her ear, imagined his fingers replacing hers, the warmth radiating off him into her core. 

A while later, she had changed into a loose cotton tunic that hung mid-thigh. She set about lighting the small room and then settled onto the cot, leaning with her back against the wall. Rey closed her eyes and thought his name as hard as she could, but nothing happened. She took a deep breath, held it, then exhaled, fixing his face in her mind. She whispered his name aloud. For minutes she sat with her eyes shut, thinking of him. Still, he didn’t come. 

Most nights she’d study the ancient Jedi texts before bed, but something about that didn’t feel quite right now. She felt like she couldn’t touch them with the same hands that had learned Ben’s body the night before, if in fact they had. At the very least, if it had all been a dream, her own subconscious had been responsible for that smut. She stared hard at the spot in the floor where the texts were buried, but she couldn’t bring herself to take them out. More than that, she didn’t want to. How could she muddle through archaic texts when Ben was the only thing on her mind?

The air warmed and shifted and he was sitting in front of her suddenly. He was in his quarters again, sitting on the bed, but this time he was fully clothed, down to the mask and cloak. She felt a strange mixture of elation and dread at seeing him that way.

“Ben,” she murmured.

“That isn’t my name,” he answered metallically, his voice altered by the breathing mechanism of the mask. Rey felt ice hardening in her chest and reaching up her throat as if to choke her at the lack of recognition in his voice, at the coldness he was showing her. 

“Take that mask off; it isn’t you.”

Somehow, he seemed weary—maybe it was the forward hunch of his shoulders, made huge by the cloak, or the way his chin dipped low, too heavy to hold up. Either way, she felt her forehead crease and scooted to the edge of the cot, reaching out a hand.

“Are you alright? Has something happened?”

“What business is it of yours?” he bit back, and waved at the air with one leather-sheathed hand. “You should go. You aren’t welcome here.”

A sharp pain panged in Rey’s chest and she winced. It had all been a dream after all. She pulled her knees up to her chest and leaned away from him again.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I didn’t expect this…I can’t explain it I just...you know I’d go if I could.”

“Didn’t you initiate this?” he demanded.

“You know I don’t know how.” She couldn’t tell him that she had longed for this meeting with every molecule of every cell of her body. Besides, she still didn’t know if she had any hand in forging the connection. Quite possibly it was total coincidence. Rey wasn’t sure she believed it was, but she kept her mouth shut all the same.

Ben lowered his masked face into his hands and hunched, brooding, on the edge of his bed. She watched him silently. She tried to study his face, to ascertain something—anything—from his hands or his shoulders or his knees or his boots, even, that said that he had been there the night before and he remembered and he wanted her, needed her, but there was nothing. It was impossible to glimpse anything through the armor but his obvious fatigue and frustration. 

“Shall I leave you alone, then?” Rey asked, her voice soft in the expanse between them.

“Please,” he snapped. 

She stretched out on her own bed and turned from him to face the wall, pulling the blanket up over her shoulder. Even with her back turned she could feel him in the room. She heard rustling and turned again in time to see him drop his gloves to the floor, followed by the mask. His face was so tired. 

“Ben?” 

“Don’t call me that.” 

At least his voice was his again—deep and full but clear, without anything to obscure it. That was some small comfort, if nothing else.

“How long has it been since we’ve met like this?” Rey asked.

He looked up at her in confusion but then his eyes shifted away as if he were thinking.

“Two days? Three? I don’t know. I lose track.”

Rey bit back a ragged gasp and looked away from him, nodding. She didn’t speak to him again. She rolled back to face the wall, listening to the rustle of fabric as he undressed for bed. She had caught him before, seething with anger, irate, irrational, beyond reaching. This was not like that. He seemed utterly defeated. At some point—she did not know when—it was quiet behind her and she thought he must have gotten into his bed, also. But then something clicked and she realized the room was too cold and too still, and when she turned he was gone from her and she was alone in the dark.


	4. Chapter 4

For days afterwards, Rey tried to feel relieved. The dreams she’d had of Kylo Ren, the feelings for him, the ridiculous things she’d wanted from him—all of it had been hers alone, not something shared, not something there was no going back from. She told herself this was best. The line that tethered them, through space, was still there, only it was an idle connection and nothing more serious than that. Probably, with time, it would begin to weaken. Probably it was just a remnant of what Snoke had stoked between them, something they couldn’t maintain on their own. 

It hurt her but she had been hurt before. She would be better-off. She told herself that. Still, there was a sense of unease building in her, forming at the base of her stomach and the back of her throat. She began to feel fear, fear like she’d rarely known, seeping into mundane, everyday activities. Rey didn’t know what she was afraid of, only that something was not right. One afternoon, the discomfort was so great she’d lied about not feeling well—convincing Finn it was just an upset stomach—and gone back to her shack. By the time she’d arrived, she was gasping for breath, sobbing, completely soaked in a horror and dread she couldn’t explain. 

This time, when Ben appeared to her, she didn’t speak. She was so afraid of letting him see her this way, especially when she couldn’t say why. She could see that he was stalking through the corrugated halls of his ship, seething even through the mask and armor, his demeanor causing anyone around him to go well out of their ways to avoid his path. Rey found herself moving with him. He did not acknowledge her until he’d reached his quarters. Then, he reached up and ripped the mask from his face, heaving it across the room to clatter against the wall. Rey jumped at the sudden outburst and yelped aloud, clamping her hand to her mouth. Ben turned on her at once, his face dark and terrifying.

“Why are you here? Why must you torment me with your constant presence? What I wouldn’t give to be rid of you,” he shouted, jabbing a gloved finger at her before yanking those off too and thrusting them across the room after his helmet. Rey sat, shaking with tears, pressed to the wall, biting her hand to keep quiet. She looked at him and simply shook her head, begging him to understand. His face changed as he took her in, brow furrowing into something else—was it concern?—his stance loosening as he took a step toward her.

“What’s happened? What’s wrong?”

Rey couldn’t answer. He came to her at once, lowering himself in front of her in his suit and cape and thick black boots, taking her hand. 

“Are you hurt?” he asked. Rey shook her head. He reached out and wiped a tear from her cheek. 

“I’m so afraid,” she whispered, trembling. 

“I can’t hurt you,” he answered, straightening and turning his back and stepping away. “Not from this distance. Anyway, not without exerting a great amount of effort and I have no plan to do that. Not today.”

“No,” she pleaded. “It’s not you. I’m not afraid of you.”  
“Then what?”

Rey pressed herself against the energy of the room, tasting it, testing it to see what quivered in answer. And she realized, as she did, that Ben was the source of her fear, only not in the way he’d thought.

“You’re afraid,” she said, looking up at his guarded face as it dawned on her. 

“I’m not the one cowering on the floor,” he bit back. 

“It’s you,” she persisted, rising to her feet. “I’m feeling your feelings.”

Ben’s face twisted in horror. He began to back away from her.

“The connection between us isn’t weakening,” Rey continued, her confidence building. “It’s growing stronger. I can sense your feelings, even when we’re not actively speaking like this. All day, all week I’ve felt this way.”

Realization lit her eyes and she reached a hand out to him.

“Ben,” she whispered, head tilting in compassion. “Is this…is this how you feel all the time?”

He didn’t answer, but Rey watched the contorted planes of his face soften from their angry grimace, smooth to something that looked more like what she felt. What she’d said had terrified him.

“You’re wrong,” he stammered in horror. “That can’t be. You don’t know that.”

“I do,” she insisted, stepping toward him “It’s you.” 

“My feelings,” he growled darkly, “are always in control. Always. Even a Padawan wouldn’t look as ridiculous as you do.” 

“Let me help you,” she pleaded. “Let me in.” 

They stood opposite each other for a moment, Ben’s chest heaving, his face dark, hands gripped to fists at his sides. Rey looked up at him. Her shoulders had relaxed. Her head was tilted just so. She closed her eyes and breathed in, held it, released. She cleared her mind until all that was there was a comfortable silence. She breathed. She breathed. She sucked in another breath and then pushed it out into the room, across the space between them to Ben, willing her peace to fill him. When she opened her eyes, there were tears in his eyes.

“Ben,” she soothed, crossing to him, taking his hands into hers, full of pity for him. 

“I don’t remember the last time I felt this way,” he whispered.

“Maybe with—” he stopped abruptly and looked into her eyes.

“I can teach you,” Rey said. “I can show you how to find this for yourself.”

Ben coughed out a bitter, hollow laugh. “You think I haven’t tried meditating? You think sucking in a few deep breaths can change this?” He gestured roughly at himself.

“No,” he went on. “No, it has to start with you. It has to.”

She nodded mutely. Rey reached out and pressed her hand to his chest. He flinched away. They didn’t speak. Ben unclasped his cape and let it fall to the floor. He unhooked his jacket, from the top to the bottom, silently maintaining her gaze. He shrugged out of it and let it fall also. He wore a thin, nearly transparent black sleeveless t-shirt. He took a step closer to her, causing her breath to hitch in her chest. Rey swallowed. Her lips parted. Ben took her hand and raised it to his chest, pressing it to him. He let go and closed his eyes, breathing her in. Rey fought back disappointment, forcing what she’d wanted to happen from her mind to close her eyes and breathe more calm into him.

“You’re disappointed,” Ben said in surprise. He pulled away, turning his back on her, sweeping his clothes off the floor and walking to his cot.

“No, Ben,” Rey protested, walking after him. She reached for his shoulder and pulled him back around to face her. “I’m sorry. Please, think nothing of it.”

He looked down at her suspiciously, unconvinced. 

“When I touched you,” he said slowly, intentionally. “you reacted with disappointment. I felt it.”

“It wasn’t about that. Please. Believe me.”

“Then what?”

Rey floundered under his dark gaze, feeling herself blush hotly as she tried not to let him feel the desire she felt at remembering her dreams, as she tried not to betray that her disappointment had been, not at being touched by him, but at not being touched in the way she wanted. 

It was no use.

“Oh,” he said, his eyebrows leaping. “Oh.” He looked puzzled. He frowned.

“I don’t understand.”

“Neither do I,” Rey whispered. 

“The way you feel…that’s about me. You feel…arousal.”

Rey didn’t speak. She clenched her jaw. 

“Rey,” he tilted his head and forced her to meet his gaze. “Have you dreamt about me?”

Now her eyes widened with surprise. She started to shake her head but stopped, confused. 

“Rey,” Ben started, then stopped abruptly. He lifted his hand and brushed her fat lower lip with his fingertips. 

“It wasn’t a dream,” she whispered suddenly, realizing.

“No,” he shook his head. “Maybe it wasn’t.”


	5. Chapter 5

Ben and Rey occupied the same space in silence, seated next to one another, their backs to the wall of Rey’s hut. Neither had spoken for some time, not since after they’d both realized the dream—Rey had thought it was real, and then that it was a dream, and now she knew again it was real—had really happened between them. Ben had seemed staggered. He’d slumped hard against the wall and slid down to sit, staring away from her. Not knowing what else to do, Rey had hesitantly joined him. But she knew better than to interrupt whatever was raging internally. She could feel the emotions roiling out of him. All she felt was uncertainty.

“I didn’t think it was possible,” he whispered suddenly, causing Rey to startle after so much silence. She looked over but he was still staring straight ahead.

“I thought it must have been a dream because the alternative was simply beyond belief.” He shook his head. His hands fell into his lap. Rey couldn’t understand what she was feeling from him. She wanted to reach for his hand but wasn’t sure how he’d react.

She waited for him to speak again but he didn’t, and the uncertainty was killing her.

“I don’t understand,” she said softly, so as not to spook him. “I don’t know what this is that you’re feeling.” 

“I’m not sure I understand it either,” he admitted, but he looked over at her.

“Rey,” he said urgently, pulling himself forward onto his knees and facing her, taking her hands in his. “That really happened.”

“Yes.”

“And you wanted it to?”

“Yes.”

His relief was unmistakable. Even if she hadn’t been able to feel it, she could have read it in his face. 

“You wanted to be with me? In that way?”

“Yes.” she smiled at him encouragingly but was aware that her eyebrows still pulled together in trepidation. 

He laughed without smiling, like the concept was inconceivable to him. He dropped her hands and settled back onto his heels but remained kneeling before her. 

“You,” he said intently, his chin inclined so that his eyes were locked with hers, “are a remarkable woman.”

Rey could not stop herself from smiling at that. She diverted her eyes and laughed. 

“Such a…common thing to say,” she said.

“Common? You don’t feel flattered?”

“Oh no, I do. It’s just,” she stammered, still smiling, “It’s something men say often to women, I think. It’s strange to hear someone like you say that to someone like me.”

“Ah. Well that doesn’t make it any less true.” 

Ben planted his palms flat on the earthy ground and leaned forward so that his face was directly in front of hers. 

“I won’t pretend to know what this is or to understand it or to even say that I like it. Having you here, in my head, here with my like this, is almost excruciating at times, and that’s for many reasons. But I do like you. Very much. And knowing I didn’t dream that you like me, too…that pleases me.”

“Yes?”

“Mmhm.” 

His lips twitched into a smile and he kissed her. Even with his face so close to hers, Rey was surprised. She stiffened at the contact before relaxing into it, allowing her eyes to slip closed as she leaned into the kiss. 

Kissing someone is overwhelming enough when you have only your own emotions to contend with; having that exquisitely painful heat and desire compounded by two was almost unbearable. It wasn’t unpleasant, but the force of it nearly took her breath way. When they separated from each other, both were panting. The emotion was so strong that she couldn’t differentiate what she was contributing to their connection and what he was, but she could see a similar pain dashed across his face, and she cupped his cheek in her hand. 

Ben closed his eyes again, his lips parting in pleasure at her touch. 

“Never,” he breathed, “have I met anyone whose touch brings such relief as yours. It’s as if I’ve been holding my breath until you touch me.”

“I know what you mean,” she answered, brushing her thumb against his skin.

************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

“General Organa will see you now.”

Rey stood to her feet and followed Leia’s man tentatively into the room that had been designated as the general’s quarters. In the Resistance, no one could afford to have luxurious taste. Even the general, raised in royalty, had been forced for years to live in the same squalor as the rest of them. Most of her wealth had been lost with the destruction of Alderaan, and as the Resistance suffered defeat after defeat, their backing waned. 

Leia was often seen surveying various projects around the compound, but this morning she was shuffling papers on the makeshift desk in her quarters. When Rey entered, she looked up and smiled.

“Rey,” she stood and came around the desk to hug Rey warmly. “Good morning. I’m glad you’ve come to see me.”

“Oh?” Rey returned her embrace but remained as emotionally detached as possible. She had initiated this meeting for a very specific purpose, and she didn’t want Leia to sense anything ulterior in her motives. 

“I’ve been meaning to catch a word with you for a few days now. I’ve heard you’ve been acting a little strangely.” 

“Strangely?” Rey asked, attempting to appear engaged but unconcerned. “How so?”

Leia indicated that she should sit in one of the two chairs opposite the desk and, when she did, Leia lowered herself into the other.

“You seem distracted from your work,” Leia replied.

“Has my work been unsatisfactory?”

“No, no, nothing like that,” Leia answered, reaching out to cover Rey’s hand with both of hers. “You’re not in any trouble, Rey. We’re just worried about you.”

Rey smiled tightly.

“Who’s ‘we’?”

Leia returned her smile with a more genuine one of her own.

“I think you know who I mean.”

“Finn.”

Leia nodded.

“But I’ve noticed what he’s talking about. You’ve been withdrawing from the group. I gave you my permission to live separately from the others because I understand how overwhelming all this can be, especially considering your background. But Rey,” Leia shifted her body toward her.

“Even when you’re present, you seem so distant. It’s like you’re somewhere else entirely.”

Rey focused on keeping her breathing even, but she couldn’t keep a heat from flushing her face. She was grateful for skin tanned from years in the sun and hoped that would be enough to hide her tell. 

“I am sorry, General,” she said. “I have been distant and I understand how that can appear concerning. I’ve just been throwing myself into my study of the force,” she swallowed hard.

“Doing so has proven to be a little solitary.”

Leia nodded knowingly. “I understand. Truly, I do. I’ve known more than one Jedi to sequester himself away to that same end.” Her eyes were kind, and Rey was reminded of what a genuine and sincere spirit Leia had. She felt suddenly much guiltier for what she wanted to ask.

“Promise me you’ll come visit me more often. I may not be a Jedi but I do know the force. And I’ve known Jedi, in my time.” Now her eyes were sad as, Rey imagined, she thought of Luke, of Ben, of Obi-Wan, maybe even of her father, Darth Vader. Rey forgot sometimes that she wasn’t the only one with a vested interest in Ben Solo. Though it felt selfish now, when they were together it was like the rest of the universe ceased to exist. The urgency she felt to turn him to her side was such because she wanted him with her, not due to some nobility. She tried to smile at Leia in a way that would seem supportive. 

“I promise. I definitely will.”

“Good!” Leia patted her hand and retracted back into her chair, the tone in the room lightening.

“So what was it you wanted to see me about?”

“Well,” Rey started nervously. “In light of what’s been said thus far you may not like it.”

“You’ll never know if you never ask.”

“Yes,” Rey laughed. “That’s true. I was wondering—and I understand the implications and complications and that you have a rebellion to run—but I was wondering if I might take a ship and go to Ryloth.”

“Ryloth?” Leia asked in surprise, her eyebrows raising. “In the Outer Rim? Why would anyone want to go there? All they have to offer is eternal night and slave girls.” 

“That’s not all,” Rey answered quickly, though she knew Leia was mostly right and mentally kicked Ben for picking Ryloth, of all places. She had to think he had some hideaway there—unsurprising that notorious slave traders would shelter the Empire. 

“I’ve been studying maps of the galaxy in the ancient Jedi texts and something about Ryloth calls to me. I feel drawn there by the force and I must go see why.”

Leia’s brow was furrowed as she studied Rey’s face, searching her eyes. Rey felt her insides warming uncomfortably and tried not to shift guiltily or otherwise betray herself.

“What will you need?” Leia asked finally.

“Just a ship. A small ship. I’ll go alone. Minimal rations. I’ll work or barter for more once I arrive.”

“It’s not the safest planet.”

“I can fend for myself.”

“Will you take the lightsaber?”

Rey didn’t answer right away. She hadn’t thought about it. 

“I suppose so,” she answered.

Leia nodded finally and stood up.

“Fine.” 

She went to her desk and scratched some instructions onto a sheet of paper—a list of supplies Rey was to be given—and handed it to her.

“Take this to the kitchen, to supplies, and to the main hangar. You can leave as soon as you’re ready.”

“Thank you,” Rey exclaimed with too much eagerness, she knew, rising to her feet to take the slip. “Thank you so much.”

She turned to go, clutching the piece of paper, her hand shaking.

“Rey?”

She stopped dead in her tracks. 

“General?”

“May the force be with you.”

“Of course, General, thank you. May the force be with you.”   
************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

“Did she believe you?” Ben asked her later that night when she was alone again in her shack.

“I don’t know. At first I thought she knew I wasn’t being entirely truthful. But then she said I could go.”

Rey felt that Leia knew more than she was letting on, but as long as she was being allowed to go she didn’t really care. She felt a frantic urgency tugging her across the galaxy, calling her to move as quickly as she could. The part about the force calling to her was true—it was drawing her and Ben together constantly, for reasons neither of them understood. What she was doing was not so far off from what she’d claimed to be doing. 

Ben’s hands were suddenly on either side of her face as he drew her chin up to look into her eyes. Rey felt herself cooling and calming.

“In two days’ time, I’ll be able to touch you like this for real.”

“Yes,” Rey breathed.

“You ought to rest,” Ben said softly. “I don’t intend for us to do much of that on Ryloth.” His eyes glittered at her darkly.

“Ben Solo,” she scolded playfully, ignoring his flinch at the name. “Are you flirting with me?”

“I just might be,” he smiled.


End file.
